First off, let’s just say that the detox was a failure. I lasted about half the day before I realized I have absolutely too much to do in an average day to survive on the calories of the particular detox diet I chose. The deal was sealed when I began helping my fried L move into her new house, without the benefit of air conditioning. At that point, a body just needs a good old hunk of protein.

That said, I am not disappointed in myself.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the reasons for my failure to acheive goals in the past–be they weight related or other. Sometimes it has come down to life circumstances–med changes, sudden trips, insanity–but usually my reasons are far more mundane. I tend to make a tiny slip, then say, “Screw it, the day is blown.” And go for it hardcore on the food and sitting on my ever-widening bottom. When the next day rolls around, I feel so badly about the previous day’s give-in that I end up letting that day be a wash as well, instead of using it as an opportunity to get back on that horse.

For a long time, I thought this was apathy. The more I think about it though, it seems to be a raging case of self-protection. I let these minor slips become huge failures, because the fear of success is tremendous in my mind. I am far more afraid of reaching my goals then having to *gasp* maintain than I could possibly ever be of being mediocre. Being fat. Being tired all the time.

I’m really sick of thinking this way. It is ridiculous, and I refuse to have a part in it any more. There will be slips. There will be days when absolutely nothing is going to fit the hunger bill but a run through a drive thru. There will be days when I emotionally turn to a bowl of ice cream and a good, stiff drink. That’s just where I am right now, and in time I might not be there, but for now I must work with what I have.

My goals for today are simple. Eat a strong, healthy breakfast. Help my friend move if she wants help today. If she doesn’t want help, exercise on the Fit for thirty minutes. Do the best I can with lunch and dinner. I would also like to take some baseline measurements today. They aren’t terribly baseline, because I can already feel my body changing shape (I am fitting more comfortably into a chair at my friend’s house, and I can bend over with more ease), but they will be a good indicator of what is going on in my body from here on out.

Next, I will be attempting to figure out a way around my personal success clause.

Stats:

Day 9: July 8,2008
Weight: 265.7 (total loss of .8lbs)
BMI: 38.03