Gambling and Whoring

Moving along, moving on

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 10:58:01 GMT

Last night we spent the first night in our new house as a complete family. Cayden ended up crawling into our bed in the middle of the night because it was so weird for him to not be in the room he has known, loved, and marked on for the past 5 years and change. The overcrowded bed had me getting up at six this morning, so now I am sitting outside and wondering how to progress with my day.

I've got a to-do list about fifteen miles long, and it is stressing me out.

Day 2 of the yard sale

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 12:11:29 GMT

Selling off about 2/3 of my books, 2/3 of my yarn, and a bunch of other stuff.

Mantra for the day: My possessions do not define me. My possessions do not define me.

Suggestions needed!!

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 15:57:31 GMT

So, Livejournal. I need some help.

Being in the midst of this unemployment fiasco, moving fiasco, and general life upheaval, I am having a hard time writing fiction. I manage about one poem a week, but that's not enough, really.

So if fiction is out, and so is poetry (for the most part), what would be a good nonfiction project for me to attack wholeheartedly?

I am torn between a few options:

1. An offbeat take on frugal living, coming at it from being a spoiled middle-class girl all my life, and having to learn to adapt to my new existence.

2. A similar book, but about entertaining on a budget.

3. A book of essays about my fantastico husband (I've already written a couple, so this at least has a beginning).

4. A craft book of some sort (suggestions for niche are appreciated, probably no knitting as my hands are terrible these days).

5. A graphic novel full of really terrible art (by me) with wonderful writing (egotistically, by me) about mental health and my experiences.

6. A slightly better researched non-graphic book about mental health and my experiences (I have been informed that this would probably never sell, but is selling really the point?)

7. Something wacky and interesting (please offer your suggestions in the comments! Anything goes!)

Update on the Funemployed Front

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 13:43:13 GMT

Matt and I have decided that the best bet for right now is for him to seek a Master's degree in something he would really like to do with the rest of his life. His time with his current company has been bittersweet, and that time ends today as he works his last shift from 6p-6a tonight. Tomorrow, he will begin researching options for going to UK in either physics or chemistry (I'm leaning towards physics, because I want to be married to a rocket scientist!)

Next Monday, we will begin moving into a less expensive home that we will be renting from a friend (and fabulous author we are delighted to know). This next weekend, we will be selling off about 40% of our possessions so that we can enter our new home clutter-free. It will be a cleansing experience to get rid of so much of the stuff I have let define me, and an exercise in learning what I *really* need, and what I do not. I will miss our current home. It has been a blessing and a curse to be a homeowner, but we cannot keep up with our mortgage.

I will be seeking a job at Starbucks, partially for the insurance, partially for the writing fodder. I am scared about the possibility of reentering the work force after so long, but I know I can handle it. It is within my capability to be just as fantastic as I want to be. And if fantastic means pulling shots as a barista? I'm ready to take that on.

We are beginning a new era of our life, friends. We will be much poorer than we have been in the past nine years of our marriage, but hopefully we will be happier too. Not that we've ever lacked on the happiness front, but who would say no to more?

More later, as I think it will be important to begin using my livejournal again.

xo,

Renee

Status update

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 22:09:21 GMT

Matt has a second interview for a job in Cinci tomorrow morning. Put on your prayer panties.

It would mean moving 80 or so miles from the land that I love (Lexington), but close enough to come visit every once in awhile.

Thanks for all your kind thoughts, everyone. And once again, if you need a hilarious and talented writer, I'm your girl.

So that was kinda meh

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 09:39:43 GMT

Matt was laid off yesterday. So if anyone know of a job for a fantastic writer who just doesn't happen to have a degree? Lemme know!

In other news, I'm working on a novel right now, but it might take me a few days to get back into the right headspace. Right now I just keep thinking I should sell everything I own and live off the land.

Pantooooooooum

Tue, 05 May 2009 13:36:58 GMT

My poem, "Fairest of Them All" is now available at Asinine Poetry.

Please come check out my brilliance and let me know what you think.

Today

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 15:57:58 GMT

I have come to the conclusion that I am not as fabulous as I thought I was

In fact, I am more fabulous than I previously imagined.
The end.

Scar Tissue

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 15:42:15 GMT

Right now, I am taking a Creative Nonfiction course, and it has caused me to put an analogy to what I’ve been trying to do with my yearly blogathon entries, my 24-hour comics, and my writing in general, so without further ado, let me go on about that at length for a bit.

As a simple fact of being people (and now my brain is firmly in Soylent Green) we get banged around, scraped up, scarred. Physically yes, but also emotionally. The damage inflicted on us, the damage inflicted by us … it all takes its toll. The bangs, scrapes, and scars on my psyche are something that I’ve pretended to be healed from for the past 10+ years of my life. Somehow, I’ve expected myself to have some superhuman ability to heal without any mental equivalent of antibiotic ointment or even a Snoopy band-aid. Ridiculous, really.

Until very recently, I would save up all my pain for 24-hour comic day, then pour it out on the page in bad drawings and snarky dialogue. Until recently, I really thought that was enough because I’ve been convincing myself that it HAD to be enough.

Cut to the present, where my mental and emotional scars are becoming increasingly more visible. Not just to myself, but to others. To my distaste and horror, people can now tell that I am not fine when they talk to me. They can tell I am holding back. And to hold back any longer makes me feel like a hypocrite and a fool.

This weekend, I decided to do a bit of surgery on this calcified scar tissue around my metaphorical heart. They say to write well is simple, all you have to do is bleed on the page. The problem with bleeding on the page is it can just make more scars when you open that vein, but if you choose an existing scar, and with precision, cut around it … well, if you really use the whole thing. Really get it out on the page, I mean … the new scar will be smaller, cleaner, a badge of your history and not a blight on your soul.

I think I managed that this weekend. No, I am not over everything that happened. No, I don’t expect I’ll ever be 100% over anything. But the scar from those events are now smaller, lighter in color, and something I can look at and realize that the imperfections of my past help make me who I am.

Now that I’ve once again run an analogy into the ground, I’ll say this:

No matter our scars, we are not marred by them unless we try to cover them with a bad layer of cosmetic “okayness”.

I am not fine, but I am not broken.

So glad to have the life I have.

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 15:20:59 GMT

I am trying very hard to be the person I should let myself deserve to be.

Renee Rigdon is Genre Impaired

My apologies to those of you who have seen this many times

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 23:36:13 GMT

My first published piece of short fiction, "Pleiades," appears here.

http://www.public-republic.net/

Interesting generator

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 01:27:18 GMT

http://panthermoon.com/generator.php

On the verge of something fantastic

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 18:53:49 GMT

I began revising the novel today that I have affectionately dubbed, "Sandy's Adventure" for lack of a better title.

It is broken beyond belief, but not beyond repair I am finding as I read through it.

I haven't yet hit the zone that allows me to work for hours on end (I keep taking livejournal and potty breaks) but I feel like I am on the edge of that. Within a day or two, I think I will be able to fully plow into it. Hopefully this will come right at the time when I can afford to buy the printer ink to print out the rest of it for redlining.

I am, for the first time in a long time, excited about trying very hard to be a writer. I will hold onto this as tightly as I can, but with a soft enough hand that this dream can breathe a bit.

Day 2, and no rejection yet on my story. Only 58 more days to go until I hear something.

With love,

Renee

It's gonna be a great year!

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 23:41:41 GMT

I took the semester off from blogging, but now I feel ready to get back to it. I'm going to try to check Livejournal more frequently from here on out, but I'll be blogging at genreimpaired.wordpress.com

Yay 2009!

Depakote and hopefully a return to life.

Wed, 08 Oct 2008 23:38:10 GMT

I'm not doing well right now, kiddos.

I've been in a mixed episode for over a week now, and it is sucking me dry. Today I got in to see my medlady and she wrote me for depakote, and squeezed me in next week so we can see how it's going.

It has to go well. This is far too hard.

Sometimes

Tue, 07 Oct 2008 21:42:42 GMT

Because when the economy is tanking, politics are a mess, and depression is setting in, sometimes all you can do is pop in your headphones and turn up the music.

What I've been up to

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 13:44:53 GMT

Hello all, long time, no read.

I've been crazy busy with school (15 hours) and my new book project (www.moonshinemamas.com) so I apologize for not being around more.

I'm hoping to be back in the loop before too long :)

xo,

Renee

Day 38: Backsliding

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 13:20:33 GMT

I’ve found it easy over the past week to backslide, and though I’ve been thinking about it, I’ve been allowing it to happen anyway.

I find the most common reason for myself to start falling into old habits is complacency. After doing well for awhile, I begin to believe that I will continue to do well even if I change my eating and exercise habits for the poorer. I’m not sure why I believe this, as I typically have a very scientific mind, but somehow, I do. That’s been the problem this week. I’ve felt I have done so well that I deserve–nay, am owed–a bit of time off from the rigors of treating myself well. Ridiculous! You say. Preposterous! You proclaim.

Well, it’s true.

So today I am recommitting myself and remembering my goals from oh so far back at Day 1.

My words exactly:

“ So I have a new resolution. I am going to treat my body in the way that this hotness deserves. I am a present-thinker, not a future-thinker, so worrying about my future-health ain’t gonna do me any good at all. I have to think about reconciling the divide between my mind and how I treat my body. This involves eating (more) sensibly, getting good physical activity, and behaving as though I’m not the unholy slothly glutton I tend to be.”

Now, is that so hard?

Back to it, ladies and gentlemen, back to it.

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 09:19:44 GMT

A quick note about weight, then loving the rain

Posted on July 31, 2008

First off, hopped on the scale this a.m. and I am, as I expected, bloated up by 2lbs by the slice of pizza I had last night. It was a good slice of pizza, and I regret nothing, though I can feel the slight puffiness in my fingers from it. It isn’t upsetting as much as it is interesting to note how much effect a single food can have on one’s body.

I feel good about my decisions though, because I actually only had the one reasonably-sized slice. Ordinarily, I would have eaten two, then anxiously looked around to see who was going to get one of the remaining two pieces (as we were splitting between three people). After one slice, though, I was entirely stuffed. Changes in my body, they are a-happening. Today I will treat myself well, I hope you all do the same.

It is 5:17am, and it is raining glorious and beautiful rain. It is the long, slow, soaking rain that makes plants (and Ne) very happy, and it is delightful to sit out here, sheltered from the drops, and listen to it, smell it, and revel in what has been brought to us this day.

I am truly and unabashedly lucky to be alive to enjoy the sound of the rain, to have such wonderful friends, fantastic family, and my good wits about me to appreciate it all.

Be well, friends.

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 11:34:40 GMT

Day 29: A return to discussing weight loss

Posted on July 28, 2008

Since I last wrote about working on my personal health, I have actively been attempting to follow the concepts I set down in that first entry (soon, I’ll be reposting all the old entries if I can figure out how to backdate them).

For those of you that don’t remember, I was attempting to treat myself like the beautiful, sexy, awesome person I believe myself to be. I haven’t been posting about it (as I was preparing for Day of Blogs) but I have been doing this.
I am still absolutely shattered from Day of Blogs (I ended up being awake for just over 38 hours by the end of Sunday) so I am not going to post much except stats.

Day 29:

BMI: 37.12 (down a lot)

Weight: 259.3 (down 7.2 lbs)

It’s actually becoming a more rapid weight loss than I was initially expecting, but I am treating myself healthfully, and I choose not to worry about that.

49. The end. Thank You.

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 12:46:03 GMT

Thank you readers.

Thank you commenters.

Thank you friends.

Thank you new friends.

Thank you family.

Thank you husband and son.

Thank you dog.

Thank you coffee.

Thank you Claritin.

Thank you universe.

Thank you DBSA.

Thank you crazy ole self.

Thank everyone and everything, because it is all a part of what has led me to be able to be here today. I regret nothing in my life, because I have learned from all of it.

48: Conclusion

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 12:13:24 GMT

We all have a lot to learn. Among all the people who have a lot to learn, I probably have more to learn, because I am a slow, stubborn learner, but I hope these entries have conveyed the ability to find the positive within the negative of mental illness.

There are certainly a lot of negatives out there, but by finding the positives, we can change our outlook on the world.

I could go on about this point for paragraphs. You know. You’ve seen me do it, but I want to keep this conclusion short and sweet.

Please find what you need in this world. Be it someone to talk to, medical intervention, or a warm puppy to cuddle. There are so many great possibilities out there for all of us, and I am glad I have found what works for me. The entries herein may have helped you, enraged you, or done nothing for you at all, but thank you for stopping by to read and comment. I feel we are in some small way more connected now, and even though I may not know you, I want you to feel safe, secure, and happy. Find this in whatever you choose to do.

You are okay. You will be okay. I am indebted for what you have given me

47. Stats

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 11:54:30 GMT

Reader who most frequently commented: Ginny with 18 comments in under an hour, and with a topic suggestion that netted 3 entries. Thank you.

Total comments received: 80+ (accounting for bad math)

Total donations made: $100 + an unspecified amount

Scary moments: 47 so far

Wonderful moments: Countless

46: More reader questions, part 2

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 11:38:01 GMT

“How long does it take you to notice these symptoms?”

It depends on the symptom. I am often not the first one to notice the changes in my speech patterns. Usually it is a friend, or my husband, who comments on the rapidity or slowness of my speech.

I’ve learned to quickly recognize and remedy any sleep problems or paranoia, but it took many many years to start recognizing it before it led to an actual cycling episode. Usually I would let it get so far that I would have to go in for a complete med overhaul, whereas now I catch it early enough to just get a tweak. Sometimes I don’t even need that, and can correct it through lifestyle changes.

Thanks for the question!

45. Another reader suggestion

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 10:54:14 GMT

“how can you tell if you are “slipping”? are there warning signs for you?”

Another great question. There are definitely warning signs for me on either end of the bipolar spectrum, but the first one for either tends to be my speech. When I am getting manic, my speech accelerates. It isn’t terribly noticeable at first, I just sound excited, but quickly it goes to a rapidity where everyone is trying to get me to slow down.

When I am getting depressed, my speech slows, because my thoughts are working slower.

Another symptom tends to be my sleep. When I am getting off-balance, I will either start sleeping in excess (depression), or much less (mania).

Finally, good old paranoia is a great symptom that I am about to start cycling rapidly.

I hope this helps.